I have insomnia, a side effect of a rough decade and chronic illness. That's why I'm up writing at 04:30, instead of sleeping. With that said, and it isn't a pretty thing, let's talk for a minute about parenting while chronically ill.
You go to bed tired, you wake up tired and you go through your day like a zombie. Sometimes, it hurts too much to do the things any parent wants to do with their child- cuddling, playing, running, jumping... it all comes with the fine print of "if my health holds, if it's a good day, we can.". I spent today exhausted and hurting. I spent a lot of time in my room, where I can sit and feel safe and be in less pain for a bit. Every minute that I was, I asked myself, "Am I a bad mother?".
The answer isn't simple, and the question holds so much hurt to think about. I am not a bad mother. To be a bad parent would be to push myself to the point of worsening the URI I'm still fighting, and having to leave my son to be hospitalized. It would be ignoring the pull that's like a hook in my heart, that makes me want nothing more than to hold that gorgeous little boy and cover him with kisses. To be a bad parent would be to hide in my room for the hell of it, to not to be with him. It isn't easy, but sometimes when you're ill, you have to do things that look bad from an outside perspective.
If you're a parent, and you have a chronic illness, remember on your bad days that having to lay down or spend time away from your baby does not make you a bad mama or daddy. It makes you an adult that cares so much for your child that you deal with the pain of not seeing the milestones of that day because resting means you can be back on your feet sooner. You're a warrior. And no matter what, no matter how poorly you think of yourself, you are loved deeply and unconditionally by your child. They see their parent hurting or sad or fatigued and what they want (even if they don't have the words to say it) is for you to feel better. That's all. Your baby holds no grudges toward you, they don't think you're being lazy or withdrawn.
Above all, when they look at you on a bad day, they don't see the illness. They just see mommy, and bad day or good day, that's enough for them.
